When Words Fail—Try One of These!

Every year the Washington Post publishes its Mensa Invitational Winners. They ask readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this years winners:



1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidental ly walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets in your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj.. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n.. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

So, when that right word just escapes you... who needs Roget when you have Mesna?

Whither SAG? It's Not Looking Good

Labor unions in the United States have a rich and weird history. All the unions have their colorful characters, triumphant moments, and skeletons in the closet (or at the bottom of the East River). But can any combination of AFL-CIO weirdness, over the years, in the auto, steel, or other trade unions even begin to approximate the bad soap opera that has turned into the union formally known as the Screen Actors Guild (SAG)? I will not bore you with the litany of pettiness and vitriol that is substituting for internal dialogue in the union, suffice to say it is hard to distinguish SAG these days from a seventh-grade playground fight between the cool kids and the uncool kids.

In a union where blogs, press releases, open letters to editors, and viral videos tout various union faction positions on the current AMPTP negotiations, an innocent bystander would be hard pressed to understand why something as private as a labor negotiation would be handled as publicly as a DVD launch or major movie premiere. Can you imagine the Teamsters taking out full-page ads in the transportation industry’s version of the "trades" (Variety, Hollywood Reporter, etc.) slamming the other side in some negotiation in a manipulative attempt to win points? They might beat each other up and smash the means of production, during tough negotiations, but at least they have the good taste to keep union business internal and private. Just ask Jimmy Hoffa.

But, when it comes to the Hollywood guilds (WGA, SAG, AFTRA, DGA, IATSE, etc.), I suppose they take Louis B. Meyer’s quote to heart that, “Everybody is in the movie business,” therefore everyone has some right to know the sorry state of things within them. I actually do care what happens to this noble union, as I write and produce (or try to anyway) and have a keen interest and affection for the acting profession. I can’t do a lick of it myself, but I’m in awe of actors and what they do. That their union is in free fall and imploding on pure ego-driven petulance is a situation too sad for words and too pathetic to be honored with more than a waggling “shame on you” index finger.

IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY! I’m not going to get into the ins and outs of the contract negotiations that have gone belly-up with the AMPTP, or get caught up in who is right or wrong. First of all, it’s not my place, and second of all, it’s not my place. I’m only concerned in this post with the incredible lack of EQ (emotional intelligence) being exhibited by all sides. Emotional intelligence, for those who do not know, is regarded more highly than IQ (intelligence quotient) in predicting an individual’s success in work, and in life. The central qualities any EQ savvy person (or organization) should have are:

• Self-awareness — the ability to read one's emotions and recognize their impact while using gut feelings to guide decisions.
• Self-management — involves controlling one's emotions and impulses and adapting to changing circumstances.
• Social awareness — the ability to sense, understand, and react to others' emotions while comprehending social networks.
• Relationship management — the ability to inspire, influence, and develop others while managing conflict.

These qualities are not airy-fairy, touchy-feely, new age hokum. These are actually demonstrable and empirically proven human qualities ALL human beings possess that are ESSENTIAL for surviving in a social environment (uh—like a labor union). The higher your EQ, the more successful you will be. EQ determines up to 80% of your success factors in working and living life; IQ is only 20%.

So, do you think the four qualities listed above might be lacking in the folks charged with the futures of 120,000+ SAG members? Do you think they might just get out of their own little heads long enough to get some serious help and hire someone to come in and guide them through the interpersonal morass they are lost within? I heard a crisis management consultant had been hired, but the result was disastrous. Okay, try a new one! Call me (I’m serious), I know somebody! SAG needs help and I’m not talking about a new negotiator! SAG needs to get its EQ house in order and start telling itself the truth: until egos can be taken out of the equation and all the poison-personality crap taken off the boardroom table SAG is headed for the trade union equivalent of—well, oblivion.

TMZ Really Stands for The Moronic Zone! (Warning: Rant Alert)

I watched TMZ the other night. I had never seen it, except when passing quickly changing channels. For some strange reason I stopped and watched. And I was mesmerized; the way people slow down on highways to gawk at accidents or gather on street corners to watch jumpers off high-rises. Here’s what I saw:

• A war room.
• A big-board with lots of writing, not unlike an ER whiteboard that tracks critical-care patients.
• A gaggle of twenty-something “reporters” reporting to their boss (Harvey Levin, who I actually like) the fruits of their labors.
• Harvey Levin: wet-marker in on hand, double-gulp soda in the other, looking pained like he hadn’t slept in days and hunched over like his lumbar back was out of joint.

Then it hit me. This passes for news. This is the new “news.” This is what trickles down (or up) to the AP, Reuters, major newspapers, Knight Ridder, evening news broadcasts, etc. Celebritycult crap, and I was watching it: unable to click out, unable to blink, unable to control my own nervous system to command my thumb to push a little button on the remote. For a moment I was lost to the world of thinking beings. I was truly lost in The Moronic Zone.

Okay, this little dramatic diddy is as fluffy as the content on TMZ. But, the point is, the power of this new platform is awe-inspiring. TMZ came out of nowhere a few years ago as a collaboration between AOL and Telepictures Productions. This big corporate sponsorship sets it apart from other gossip shows, putting TMZ in a whole other category of—whatever the hell it’s called. For me, this TMZ-thing is now the archetype for celebrity cultism. And it is slowly displacing real news and contributing to the demise of the thinking press.

Oh—but surely you exaggerate! No, sorry. I don’t. Consider this wonderful blog from one of my heroes, Roger Ebert. He wrote this in his “Roger Ebert’s Journal” column on the Chicago Sun Times site, November 26, 2008. I quote:

“The crowning blow came this week when the once-magisterial Associated Press imposed a 500-word limit on all of its entertainment writers. The 500-word limit applies to reviews, interviews, news stories, trend pieces and ‘thinkers.’”
Chicago Sun Times, "Roger Ebert's Journal"
By Roger Ebert on November 26, 2008 9:20 AM

And, as newspapers dumb-down news to cater to the public’s need to be TMZ’d, Ebert recounts some recent casualties of thinking-entertainment-journalists who have been canned to make space for vapidity:

“Earlier this year the Voice fired Dennis Lim and Nathan Lee, and recently fired all the local movie critics in its national chain, to be replaced, Variety's Anne Thompson reported, by syndicating their critics on the two coasts, the Voice's J. Hoberman and the L.A. Weekly's Scott Foundas. Serious writers, yes, but ... Meanwhile, the Detroit Free-Press has decided it needs no film critic at all. Michael Wilmington is gone from the Chicago Tribune, Jack Mathews and Jami Bernard from the New York Daily News, Kevin Thomas from the Los Angeles Times--and the internationally-respected film critic of the Chicago Reader, Jonathan Rosenbaum, has retired, accepted a buy-out, will write for his blog, or something. I still see him at all the screenings. My shining hero remains Stanley Kauffmann of The New Republic, as incisive and penetrating as ever at 92. I don't give him points for his age, which anyone can attain simply by living long enough, but for his criticism. Study any review and try to find a wrong or unnecessary word. There is your man for an intelligent 500-word review.”
Chicago Sun Times, "Roger Ebert's Journal"
By Roger Ebert on November 26, 2008 9:20 AM


News has always had its fluff component. But when critics and intelligent commentators are cut loose to make room for tabloid titillation, then something, somewhere is very broken. And that something is US. If we didn't watch it, view it, consume it--IT would not be there. As Ebert points out, the critics are the canaries in the coal mine. When they start dropping, we all need to start running for open air. When a thinking-press starts getting cutback and essentially emasculated so the media owners can pander to popular tastes, then the falling canaries can not be far behind. But, shouldn't the print media reflect the tastes and trends of its readers? That's not pandering, that's just good business. Yes, but there should also be a pandering free zone--and those are the film, theater, and other social critics who's job it is to challenge us to think by taking us places we don't want to go. Criticism involves thoughtful inquiry, evaluation, and the art of valuing judgment (vs. being judgmental). When we lose those who thoughtfully inquire and artfully evaluate in our interests, then we are left with the likes of TMZ and cannibalistic paparazzi. There is no art there; only blunt force trauma, opportunism, and the frenzy of pack animals stripping some poor celebrity carcass bare.

May God, Allah, The Goddess, The Great Pumpkin, Whoever Is In Charge bless Roger Ebert. He may no longer be able to speak, but his voice is clearer than ever.

Recently one media source stated they would be covering the First Family as if they were a Hollywood family. Why this distinction? Being the leader of the “free world” isn’t high profile enough? The point really is: who cares where his kids are going to school? Who cares what his wife is wearing. Do we really have to see all the pictures of the President-Elect's fashion sense from fifth-grade through high school graduation (currently on Huffington Post's Entertainment page)? The answer is no, if you got stumped on that one. And do we really need to see Barack's punim in every open piece of white space in every newspaper or web page? I for one know what the man looks like. So, save the white space and let him do his job saving the world from itself.

While we’re at it, here are some other things we really don't have a need to know:

• Whether Maddona and A-Rod had Thanksgiving together.
• Whether Brittany Spears is feeling old.
• What happened to Karolina’s belly button.
• The battle of the “sexiest men alive” over who should or shouldn’t be such.
• Whether Heidi and Spencer eloped to Mexico

By the way, these were all prominent "stories" on the Huffington Post Entertainment webpage recently (which I read regularly because I love HuffPo, even though it panders to this celebrity crap like every other "newspaper"). Any stories about the impending actor's strike? No. Any entertainment new analysis on the impact of the economic meltdown on the movie industry and television. No. But, Madonna and A-Rod got primo page placement. Need I say more. Thank the Diety--no.

There is a place for fluff and there is a place for celebrity. But it has morphed into something dangerous and deadly. Only we can stop this madness and it starts with our dollars and our consuming habits. Don’t feed this monster with your hard-earned cash.

That’s my advice for you. As for me—I need a shower.

Buy A Book! Save The Publishing Industry!

This is from my friend and uber-author Caroline Leavitt. There is a scary story behind it about the current state of publishing and the challenges facing writers in every genre. But, that is a post for another day.

Suffice to say, it ain't pretty out there people! So ...

Give a book for the holidays! And please post this on your blogs!

If everyone buys a book, authors and readers can save the publishing biz!

Open Letter to the New President!

I usually don't like to have things unrelated to writing in this blog, but I think given the momentous events of November 4th I can make an exception!

A friend sent me this open letter from author Alice Walker to Obama. It is eloquent, elegant, and beautifully stated. It's letters like this that help me remember how important it is to be a writer with voice. The pen is mightier than the sword. Read and remember!

---------------------------------------------

Open Letter to Barack Obama from Alice Walker

Nov. 5, 2008

Dear Brother Obama,

You have no idea, really, of how profound this moment is for us. Us being the black people of the Southern United States. You think you know, because you are thoughtful, and you have studied our history. But seeing you deliver the torch so many others before you carried, year after year, decade after decade, century after century, only to be struck down before igniting the flame of justice and of law, is almost more than the heart can bear. And yet, this observation is not intended to burden you, for you are of a different time, and, indeed, because of all the relay runners before you, North America is a different place. It is really only to say: Well done. We knew, through all the generations, that you were with us, in us, the best of the spirit of Africa and of the Americas. Knowing this, that you would actually appear, someday, was part of our strength. Seeing you take your rightful place, based solely on your wisdom, stamina and character, is a balm for the weary warriors of hope, previously only sung about.

I would advise you to remember that you did not create the disaster that the world is experiencing, and you alone are not responsible for bringing the world back to balance. A primary responsibility that you do have, however, is to cultivate happiness in your own life. To make a schedule that permits sufficient time of rest and play with your gorgeous wife and lovely daughters. And so on. One gathers that your family is large. We are used to seeing men in the White House soon become juiceless and as white-haired as the building; we notice their wives and children looking strained and stressed. They soon have smiles so lacking in joy that they remind us of scissors. This is no way to lead. Nor does your family deserve this fate. One way of thinking about all this is: It is so bad now that there is no excuse not to relax. From your happy, relaxed state, you can model real success, which is all that so many people in the world really want. They may buy endless cars and houses and furs and gobble up all the attention and space they can manage, or barely manage, but this is because it is not yet clear to them that success is truly an inside job. That it is within the reach of almost everyone.

I would further advise you not to take on other people's enemies. Most damage that others do to us is out of fear, humiliation and pain. Those feelings occur in all of us, not just in those of us who profess a certain religious or racial devotion. We must learn actually not to have enemies, but only confused adversaries who are ourselves in disguise. It is understood by all that you are commander in chief of the United States and are sworn to protect our beloved country; this we understand, completely. However, as my mother used to say, quoting a Bible with which I often fought, "hate the sin, but love the sinner." There must be no more crushing of whole communities, no more torture, no more dehumanizing as a means of ruling a people's spirit. This has already happened to people of color, poor people, women, children. We see where this leads, where it has led.

A good model of how to "work with the enemy" internally is presented by the Dalai Lama, in his endless caretaking of his soul as he confronts the Chinese government that invaded Tibet. Because, finally, it is the soul that must be preserved, if one is to remain a credible leader. All else might be lost; but when the soul dies, the connection to earth, to peoples, to animals, to rivers, to mountain ranges, purple and majestic, also dies. And your smile, with which we watch you do gracious battle with unjust characterizations, distortions and lies, is that expression of healthy self-worth, spirit and soul, that, kept happy and free and relaxed, can find an answering smile in all of us, lighting our way, and brightening the world.

We are the ones we have been waiting for.

In Peace and Joy,
Alice Walker